But the truth is, all may not be in order at the holiday table. There will be some empty chairs and laps this year, that were filled last year with our beloved pets who have died and gone on to their next journey. We will look around and our hearts will feel so empty. Last year they were here with us, this year they are not. What shall we do? How can we celebrate without them?

The principle that we should keep in mind is: they may not be here any more, but they are still here. Yes, we buried them or cremated them, but that was only their bodily remains. What made them so beloved to us, namely their soul, remains to comfort and support us in our own lives.

Death is like a one-two punch: the first punch, they died. The second punch, they are not coming back. That is often the harder punch to accept. If Doggie died, it’s not just that he isn’t here any more, it’s that our “special loving friend,” isn’t here any more.

Who will take Kitty’s place now? Who will run up hug us and lick our hand, and comfort us when we need comforting? To whom can we tell all our secrets that no one else wants to hear?

Here is a suggestion:

Even before your opening prayer, have a brief round-table conversation. Ask each one present: What do you miss most about …?

Tears are good, laughter is better. Tell your favorite story, let your mind wander back to your joyful memories.

This memory-making will help keep memory alive, even after your beloved pet has died.

And even more, your family and children will hear your lovingkindness and memories about your pet, and when your time comes, they will know what to do, and how you should be remembered.

Now isn’t that worth a festive meal?

Gotham has just written a book entitled: “Walking Wisdom: Three Generations, Two Dogs and the Search for a Happy Life.”

Here are some comments from the book, taken from USA TODAY of Oct. 4, 2010…

1. “Being with a dog has helped me a lot (says Deepak), my life has been greatly influenced by Cleo.”

2. “As I got closer to Cleo, it helped my return to the state of innocence. The dog brings all sorts of things to the table: joy, playfulness, loyalty, connectivity. A dog increases your lifespan, too, it’s that powerful.”

3. “People can learn from dogs. She grounds us. We’re going in so many directions. Cleo teaches us to live in the present. She doesn’t take herself too seriously. What humans need to do, is tap into that.”

4. Talking about animal reincarnation: “there’s something deeper going on here than just one time around. She adapts to her surroundings.”

5. Speaking of celebrity dog trainer Cesar Millan (The “Dog Whisperer”, “he can read a person by looking at the behavior of his dog. That dog is part of you, and you are part of the dog. You have to treat the human like you treat the dog if you want to be a leader. If you’re calm, then the dog will be, and then you can do something together (Millan).”

We remember them.

At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter

We remember them.

At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring

We remember them.

At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer

We remember them.

At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn

We remember them.

At the beginning of the year and when it ends

We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as

We remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength

We remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart

We remember them.

When we have joy we crave to share

We remember them.

When we have decisions that are difficult to make

We remember them.

When we have achievements that are based on theirs

We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as

We remember them.

Here are some of some of the worst of society’s responses to your loss:

1) “Don’t feel bad.”

You’ve gotta be kidding. Of course you’re going to feel bad, and you should. It’s only natural, healthy, and emotionally honest to feel bad when you’ve suffered a painful loss. The only way you’re going to heal is to feel bad first. If you suppress your true feelings, you will never recover. “Don’t feel bad” is usually followed by another comment tailored to the situation:

• A sick pet: “…He was so sick, and he cst you so much time and money, you’re better off without him.”
• Any Death: “…God needed him/her more than you did.”

2) Any comment about replacing your loss.

When your first pet died, what did Mom or Dad say? “Don’t worry, we’ll get you another one.” But you didn’t want another one, you wanted the one you had! When your pet dies, others may think you need an immediate replacement. They would be wrong!

3) “Why bother crying, it won’t do you any good.”

When you hear this comment while you’re grieving your pet’s death, you’ll then begin to think that you’re supposed to keep your feelings to yourself and that no one is interested in how you feel or in comforting you. You’ll also interpret this as meaning that it’s best not to speak about death or the feelings that are associated with it.

4) “Just give it time.”

While time does help us heal, time all by itself will not help. It’s what we do during that time that can help us heal. Thinking that time is all you need will lead you to erroneously believe that you don’t have to do anything about grief, that time will take care of everything. This is as helpful as saying that if you fall down the stairs and break your arm, you don’t have to do anything about it, just wait and time will heal your arm. A broken heart hurts just as much as a broken arm, and must be tended to as soon as possible. We all know people who are still mourning a loved one (or a beloved pet) who died 20 years ago, a mourner who is still waiting for “time to heal.”

Time is neutral. It only heals if we engage in healing actions. Time by itself just passes.

5) “Be strong for (insert name of relative or other person).”

I can still hear my uncle saying to me right after I’d been told that my father had died, “Melvin, you have to be the man of the house now.” First of all, I hardly ever saw my father during the week. He worked every day except Sunday, so I had absolutely no idea what “the man of the house” did. And, second, I was all of 12 years old. I was not a man, and didn’t want to be one yet.

We all need to be needed, to feel as if our lives matter, especially after someone whose life mattered to us has died. But, to tell us to be strong for others (our families, our other pets, our friends), without allowing us to “be weak for ourselves,” just doesn’t work. No one should say something like this to anyone, no matter how old the mourner is.

6) “Keep busy.”

Mourners are often told to keep busy so they don’t have time to dwell on their feelings. This faulty advice is meant to protect us from our pain, but it never works. It just encourages us to hide from reality, to pretend that nothing is wrong. We all know from experience what happens if we do this: hiding from our feelings only postpones the inevitable confrontation with grief that we so desperately need in order to heal our hearts. The longer you hide from your feelings the more painful it will be when they finally explode out of their cave.

So what’s the best response from others when your pet dies?

A big hug for you, and “I’m sorry, it must hurt so bad.”

You should expect him/her to listen to you and be supportive of the pain that you carry with you. If s/he is dismissive–”it’s only a dog”–, then you need to find someone else, this is not the right pet loss counselor for you. You will find that being able to tell “your story” will help you immensely as you begin your journey to healing.

During your visit to the pet loss counselor, you should be prepared to answer questions about your pet loss. The following list is not exhaustive, but will certainly help you and your pet loss counselor begin a fruitful relationship with each other.

1. What happened? Tell the story, start wherever you need to, you will know where that is, and let the details come out as they will. There is no wrong or right answer, it all depends on your telling the story of your beloved pet.

2. Are there any other recent losses in your life? In addition to your pet, has anyone in your family taken seriously ill, been hospitalized or died? This will let the counselor know that you are mourning multiple losses. It matters, trust me…

3. What did your pet represent to you? Best friend? Confidant? Most trusted member of your family? Why is this pet so hard for you to lose? Is there anyone in your life who can be for you what your pet was…

4. How are you coping with your grief? What changes in your life have you noticed..are you eating less or more than normal, not sleeping well, getting angry at yourself or others? These are all normal responses to loss, the pet loss counselor needs to know as much as you can tell them.

5. Are you feeling guilty about all this? Do you think you did something, or did not do something, that may have affected the outcome? Tell your counselor as much as you can, you will begin to feel better and s/he will be better able to help you heal.

There will be some pain in all this, but you will come out the other side.

Good luck, and please call if I can help.

Rabbi Mel Glazer

Certified Pet Loss Counselor, Association of Pet Loss and Bereavement

719 444-0430

Many years ago Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book entitled On Death and Dying. The book identified five stages that a dying person goes through when they are told that they have a terminal illness. Those stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For many years, in the absence of any other helpful material, well-meaning people incorrectly assigned those same stages to the grief that follows a death or loss. Although a griever might experience some or all of those feeling stages, it is not a correct or helpful basis for dealing with the conflicting feelings caused by loss.

We hesitate to name stages for grief. It is our experience that given ideas on how to respond, grievers will cater their feelings to the ideas presented to them. After all, a griever is often in a very suggestible condition; dazed, numb, walking in quicksand. It is often suggested to grievers that they are in denial. In all of our years of experience, working with tens of thousands of grievers, we have rarely met anyone in denial that a loss has occurred. They say “since my mom died, I have had a hard time.” There is no denial in that comment. There is a very clear acknowledgment that there has been a death. If we start with an incorrect premise, we are probably going to wind up very far away from the truth.

What about anger? Often when a death has occurred there is no anger at all. For example, my aged grandmother with whom I had a wonderful relationship got ill and died. Blessedly, it happened pretty quickly, so she did not suffer very much. I am pleased about that. Fortunately, I had just spent some time with her and we had reminisced and had told each other how much we cared about each other. I am very happy about that. There was a funeral ceremony that created a truly accurate memory picture of her, and many people came and talked about her. I loved that. At the funeral a helpful friend reminded me to say any last things to her and then say goodbye, and I did, and I’m glad. I notice from time to time that I am sad when I think of her or when I am reminded of her. And I notice, particularly around the holidays, that I miss her. And I am aware that I have this wonderful memory of my relationship with this incredible woman who was my grandma, and I miss her. And, I am not angry.

Although that is a true story about grandma, it could be a different story and create different feelings. If I had not been able to get to see her and talk to her before she died, I might have been angry at the circumstances that prevented that. If she and I had not gotten along so well, I might have been angry that she died before we had a chance to repair any damage. If those things were true, I would definitely need to include the sense of anger that would attend the communication of any unfinished emotional business, so I could say goodbye.

Unresolved grief is almost always about undelivered communications of an emotional nature. There are a whole host of feelings that may be attached to those unsaid things. Happiness, sadness, love, fear, anger, relief, compassion, are just some of the feelings that a griever might experience. We do not need to categorize, analyze, or explain those feelings. We do need to learn how to communicate them and then say goodbye to the relationship that has ended.

It is most important to understand that there are no absolutes. There are no definitive stages or time zones for grieving. It is usually helpful to attach feeling value to the undelivered communications that keep you incomplete. Attaching feelings does not have to be histrionic or dramatic, it does not even require tears. It merely needs to be heartfelt, sincere and honest.

Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss. Grief is emotional, not intellectual. Rather than defining stages of grief, which could easily confuse a griever, we prefer to help each griever find their own truthful expression of the thoughts and feelings that may be keeping them from participating in their own lives. We all bring different and varying beliefs to the losses that occur in our lives, therefore we will each perceive and feel differently about each loss.

In thinking more about this, I share with you what you already know, these 3 reasons why it hurts so much when we lose our pets.

1. Our pet is the (only) member of our family who gives us undivided loving attention, listening to us when no one else will, comforting us when we need that, and accepting us at all times in our lives. All we need to do is rub behind their ears or scratch their tummies, feed them and walk them, and they are “ours” for life. They are our confidants, they give all of themselves to us, every single day.

2. Our lives are now empty. Not just because of the examples in #1, but because there is now a gaping hole in our hearts, and we are not quite sure how to fill it. Who else in our lives is there who accepts us totally? Who else listens to us laugh and cry, suffer and smile? There is no one in our family just like our pet, and so we are left with an empty feeling, not knowing where to go with it, or what to do next.

3. We begin to wonder if we should replace our pet with another, and this, too, leads us to a giant question mark. Maybe we should take some time and think about it. Maybe we should go out the day after the funeral and get another dog or cat or bird or rabbit. And maybe we begin to think that the next pet will also die some day, and that death will be too hurtful for us to deal with all over again, so perhaps no more pets would be the better decision. And if we decide to get another pet, should we choose one just like this one, or a different breed altogether?

These realities are difficult ones, and yet they must be faced, and decisions must be made. I can help you with these decisions. I have lots of grief loss experience, and I want to help you.

Call me at 719 510-1901, or e-mail me, and we will chat about your needs and how I can help.

My promise:

I will take very good care of you!